i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
