I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
