What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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