It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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