I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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