my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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