i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
