i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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