Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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