like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
