I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
