I murdered the dance floor call the cops
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
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