if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i think my mom watched the whole time
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
