My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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