I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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