Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
