apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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