I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Randomize
