I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
