Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
