what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
