I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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