My first STD was from a foam party
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
