you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
