oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
