He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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