Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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