You smell like stripper and shame
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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