I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
