It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
