ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
