she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
