walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
