Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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