Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
