i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
