I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
