You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
