I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
