if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
