I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
