well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
