I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I faked an abortion last night.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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