hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
