ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
