I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
