Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
