Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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