he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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