We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
