Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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