turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
she peed on how many people?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Randomize
