If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
