we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
